Behind the Scenes at Two Different TV Networks

All in the same day!

Let’s pretend my glasses are clean, okay?

Okay! Please meet Bluey. I love my pink suit so much and I also can never look at it again, I have worn it 700 times in the last two months and I just can’t take it anymore. I went to Argent and bought this blue guy and he’s my new fave, I also love shops where they offer you water, it makes me feel like Julia Roberts in the good shopping scene in Pretty Woman.

My first stop was CBS, where the friendly Danielle met me at the door. There was a guy handing out bags of gummies! For free! Everyone likes free snacks. We piled onto the elevator with a couple of other women and we all talked about the free gummies. What if they were…special gummies, etc. Then we got out and Danielle told me that the smallest lady in the elevator had, in fact, been new CBS boss Bari Weiss. Ok starting off with a bang, CBS. I did not photograph the gummies, Bari, or the look on my face.

You know what I’ve noticed about television studios? Everyone has more Emmy awards than they know what to do with. There are awards everywhere. This is me and Mary Calvi, who I had a long and wonderful conversation with, air date TBD! Soon! Mary has a book club where people vote for what they want to read and my book LOST but she had me on anyway, Mary Calvi is a real one, shout out to Mary Calvi.

I love her. You know what else I love about enormous TV buildings? The hallways are labyrinthine and lined with props from talk shows past and present. Do you know how many rugs the Drew Barrymore show has, just waiting to be called into use?? One million rugs, rolled up and waiting, with her name on them.

Thanks for having me, Mary and Danielle! Then I hopped in a car and went home because the sidewalk was hot enough to fry an egg and I knew my makeup would not last nor would my suit. I got home, changed into normal clothes, and tried not to sweat for a few hours.

Next stop, ABC! I knew I would love Tamron when this was hanging in the hallway. I don’t need the context, leopard print cape with balloon sleeves and a matching vest? Okay! I walked into the dressing room and my publicist Stephen was like, omg, we need to get that suit steamed, which is why he’s the professional and I’m just the novelist. A nice person came and took my suit which is why they gave me the world’s tiniest robe. They brought my suit back and you know what, good call. Shout out to wardrobe departments, I would like to have one of those. (I have a steamer, thank you Priyanka Mattoo.) What I would like to have is a wardrobe department who just makes me look a leeeeeeettle bit better.

Okay, onto set! The other guest was Keke Palmer, who was wearing a lime green corset and lime green face glitter and face gems and her skirt was so short that she had to perch on her stool like a tiny bird. She sang! She laughed! I think Keke Palmer might be one of the most talented and beautiful people in Hollywood. Boots Riley was there too and I complimented him on his gigantic hat and he said, are you from the network? Which leads me to believe that my blue suit is, indeed, a power suit. Also, speaking of things from other shows just sitting around, look what I found.

Whoopi’s stool!!! Praise be. I used to the watch The View every single day. Maybe someday those ladies will have me on. I hope so. I want to hang with Whoopi and Joy. I want to go out to lunch with them and not say a word and just listen to them talk. Whoopi forever. Joy forever. Anyhoo then they had me stand behind a fake wall that two hulking men pulled apart so that I could emerge, Hunger Games-style, to run and get supplies and/or sit next to Tamron.

Tamron was wonderful and beautiful and such a goddamn pro. We talked about the New Kids and New Edition and, long story short, it led to this:

Which led to this.

That’s it. I’m done here! Donnie follows me on Instagram??? What’s next, Jonathan Knight commenting on my Substack?????? I can’t even. Who knows what happened next, I blacked out.

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A fun event coming up!

On June 4, I’ll be talking to my brilliant friend Bess Kalb at Warby Parker in Soho! Come!

Hope to see you soon!