Fake Boybands and Real Boybands, Ranked

Welcome to the inside of my brain

Does anyone else feel like summer is sort of like a less-terrifying 2020? You know, when everyone scattered to their various corners (their house, or their mysteriously acquired beach house, or their parents’ house, or moved to the country, or joined a pod, or somehow still had childcare, etc etc) and you totally had no idea what anyone was doing or how they were doing it and you were just trying to survive from one week to the next? That’s how I feel about summer, like everyone I know has gone different directions and I have no idea where anyone is or if I have any friends. With that in mind, here is the inside of my brain.

If you ever wonder what I’m thinking about, boybands are usually hovering toward the top of the list. Today is my oldest friend’s birthday, and in 1990 she made me a fake newspaper clipping all about how New Kids on the Block had invited me to be a new member. This was, obviously, one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.

Is this not the best thing you’ve ever seen—clearly proving that Olivia was more qualified, a stone cold fact.

The truth is, though, I never wanted to actually be in a boyband—the synchronized dancing alone would have murdered me. I am very happy to just be a fan. I still am! The ecstasy of connection! Of hormones and obsession! Of catchy choruses and music videos! Let me put it this way: I listen to Lance Bass’s podcast Frosted Tips. With that in mind, here are some thought about the best boybands in two categories, real and fake. Let’s get started!

Fictional Boybands:

1. 2gether

This is the blueprint for fake boybands, when MTV decided (rightly) that they understood how these bands were made and what made them good—let comedy writers write everything, forever! These songs were hilarious and perfect. You + me = us! That’s all the calculus I need.

2. 4Town

Did you see Turning Red? One of the best animated movies I’ve ever seen! If you don’t have children, you may have missed it, but do yourself a favor and watch! It’s a coming-of-age (read: period, puberty, friendship) story about a Chinese Canadian tween, her family, and turning into a red panda. Yes, really. Mei (the best Disney lead in a thousand years) is obsessed with a boyband called 4Town, and so am I! Phinneas (Billie Eilish’s brother) wrote the songs and they are catchy as hell! Anyway, this movie is so good that it’s probably banned in Florida.

3. The Wonders (ne The Oneders)

Their clip is above—do they count? Obviously they fall outside of the boyband genre, but still, I’m going to say yes. This is a great movie, and this song is a BANGER. Tom Hanks really knows how to thread the needle—he’s obviously interested in examining fame and hysteria and fandom but it’s not a joke to him. The Oneders are artists! Tom is not going to make a cheap joke. Also, the casting! My former neighbor Tom Everett Scott (my block growing up was kind of the place to be—TES, Josh Brolin, Chris Elliot! And the Straubs!), 90s icon Ethan Embry, beautiful baddie Jonathan Schaech, 90s icon Liv Tyler, forever icon Steve Zahn. 10/10 casting, 10/10 jazz reverence, 10/10 writing, Tom Hanks forever.

4. DuJour

You know what else is a perfectly cast movie with an iconic 90s cast? Josie and the Motherfucking Pussycats. Parker Posey and Alan Cumming? Breckin Meyer and Seth Green? And that’s not even talking about the pussycats themselves, Rachel Leigh Cook, Tara Reid, and Rosario Dawson! Heaven heaven heaven. The Pussycats are the better band, but this is a boyband list, so DuJour has got to be on it.

5. Sev’ral Timez

This one is a deep cut! But when my kids were very into Gravity Falls, I discovered that it too had a perfect fake boyband. I won’t spoil it, but it’s basically like Menudo to the extreme. If your children need a new show and you want one that you’ll enjoy too, I heartily endorse Gravity Falls.

*honorary mention* Pop!

Hugh Grant’s group from Music and Lyrics was not a boyband, just like Duran Duran is not a boyband. It takes more than just having an all-male group to be a boyband. But this is a great fake band.

Real Boybands

If you are a longtime reader of either my books or this newsletter, the New Kids on the Block have come up enough that my number one will not surprise you.

1. New Kids on the Block

Listen, true love is real. That’s all I have to say about that. If I said everything I had to say, Substack would cut me off.

2. NSYNC

Yesterday my 7yr old and I had a little music video marathon, where I showed him some of the greatest music videos of all time, and NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye was one of them, and he did not take his eyes off the screen for a split second. Riveting. I am not, in general, a fan of JT, but his star power is undeniable. He also looks like a serial killer. Come to think of it, I could also write 3000 words about Justin Timberlake. Maybe I’ve been listening to too much Frosted Tips, but oooh child, there is darkness there.

3. Backstreet Boys

The other day, my children and my neighbor and I serenaded my neighbor’s daughter with a BSB song. It felt good and right. Also, I sort of miss the days when not everyone in a band had to be beautiful. I don’t know if the world would accept it now.

4. New Edition

The blueprint for New Kids on the Block, and the origin story for 75% of the best R + B and pop songs of the 1980s. Bobby Brown destroyed Whitney Houston but first he did this. I love these songs, and they're high voices. A sweeter time! Ralph Tresvant forever.

5. JoBro

These boys are marketing geniuses. Pop songs made for TikTok. I just love brothers in a band. Remember when I was on a plane with Hanson? That was crazy. If I was on a plane with the JoBros, which one would I want to talk to? Let’s think this one through. Which Jonas brother do you think reads books for pleasure? I don’t think Nick reads fiction. I don’t think Kevin reads fiction. I think Joe is my only hope. I would want to talk to Joe.

(On this point, Joey McIntyre was on a podcast recently and was talking about Robert Caro and The Power Broker and he may or may not have actually read it, but I sure did clap myself on the shoulder for picking a good one when I was nine years old.)

I am too old for One Direction or BTS, but I respect the fandom, and love those songs. Apologies to Cathy Berner, my number one boyband text friend, for not really diving into 1D here. Cathy, please lay it all out for me in the comments. Obvs I know Harry best, but walk me through it! And Ruth Chan, maker of the best kids books, is my fave BTS superfan. Army member? I think that’s what they’re called. I leave it to them to tell me everything, but trust me, I understand. I understand. This is not a definitive list, this is just my subjective ranking inside my brain. I mean no disrespect. I did leave Harry a note at the counter of the bookstore when he was playing all those shows in NYC because I was SO sure he would come in, but he didn’t. He went to the pickle bookstore instead. I see how it is, Styles. I see.

In the comments, please tell me which member of a boyband you think reads books, and why.