Swamp Chickens and Trashy TV
A gator-filled Floridian dispatch, plus early thoughts on Love Is Blind
Hi friends!
I don’t get out much. (LOL, it’s still a pandemic, if you do get out much, please stay away from me.) But here I am again on the distant planet known as South Florida, and though our regularly-scheduled programming is pool-golf cart-beach-fish sandwich-Disney +, pool, wine, bed, today we had an honest-to-goodness adventure. This is an airboat called Miss Behavin in a parking lot on the banks of Lake Okeechobee, with two children posing beside it. The children belong to me, Miss Behavin belongs to Captain Steve.
Just to give you a sense of how outdoorsy my children are, one of these kids left his book in the car and was groaning at take-off, unwilling to believe that the boat ride would be worth his while.
But then we saw about a hundred alligators and he changed his mind.
I have not prepared my children for the outside world.
At all.
It occurred to me today, not for the first time, that instead of mocking people for having hobbies and interests other than books and smoking, I should spend more time outdoors.
Here is a short list of animals we saw:
-Giant alligators!
-Baby alligators!
-Turtles!
-Herons!
-A snake called a water moccasin, which our captain told us could kill us very, very quickly. Point one for staying indoors.
-Beautiful iridescent moorhens that our captain described as ‘swamp chickens.’ It turns out that there’s at least one Texas restaurant named after these lil guys.
-Rabbits!
-Apple snails! There was also a tree that Capt. Steve said bore fruit called…you guessed it, swamp apples. But take a look at how big these apple snail shells are! Why is everything in the swamp named after an apple? I don’t know.
When we pulled back in, we passed a dozen motorhomes—enormous vehicles called Vikings, Cougars, and Pioneers. There was one adorable one called a Minnie Winnie and I would totally take it for an Albert Brooks-style cross-country drive. The whole thing was a wonderful, glorious adventure, and also you could not pay me to hang out that close to 12 ft alligators after dark. I don’t want to turn into a swamp chicken-style alligator dinner.
Speaking of meals, then we went to a place that had 11 televisions in one room. Florida gonna Florida.
What I’m reading:
Elissa Sussman’s Funny You Should Ask
If you, like me, have often thought about this profile by Edith Zimmerman, and imagined which movie star would probably fall in love with you if given the chance, you will die for this book. I do very much wonder what Zimmerman thinks of it/will think of it.
Marcy Dermansky, Hurricane Girl
I love Marcy. Marcy’s books are wild. You never know where they’re going to take you, and it is always a rollicking ride. This one, out this summer, starts with a woman’s house getting destroyed by a hurricane, and then things get bad. Marcy forever. (And not just because she gives me a shout-out.)
What I’m Watching:
LOVE IS BLIND IS BACK, BABY. I need to know what depraved corner of the internet to start lurking on to share my thoughts on this season’s bunch of white toothed, crop topped weirdos. I have big feelings and need to talk them out. I must say, they have really bumped everyone’s personal trauma to the forefront this year! The body issues! The stabbing! The parental traumas! I just want Mallory and Jarrett to be together, and I want Shayne to get dropped into a volcano. Please tell me I’m not alone in this sick, sad world. Also! In case you want all the love and tears but fewer veneers, try Love Is Blind Japan! We watched the first episode last night and the people were all so much nicer! Sure, there was one guy who said that women belonged in the kitchen, but the word ‘kind’ was said about a thousand times, and no one lasciviously asked anyone else what they were wearing. Not a crop top in sight! Also on Netflix.